Hello, again friends. I intended to make today’s post a weekend recap, except when I sat down and thought about it, I really didn’t do anything this weekend. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was awesome, but I really don’t have enough to share, unless you would like a minute by minute recap of my Playing House binge watch from Saturday? No? Okay, that’s what I thought.
I figured today would be a great opportunity to do another 10 Day You Challenge post, so let’s learn about my fears, shall we?
- 8 Fears
8. Meeting a hero and completely blowing it.
There are several people I look up to in this world, and vast majority of them I hope to never meet out of the sheer anxiety I get just thinking about what I would say to them. For example, my biggest idol would have to be Amy Poehler. What if one day I am in a Target (she seems down to earth enough to shop at Target) and I pass her browsing through the vitamin aisle (she’s human, she has to take care of herself). Do I approach her? What if she’s busy? What if I’m the 300th person that day to accost her for a photo and tell her I think she’s the coolest? What if I do approach her and she spits in my face or screams for security? I’m sure she would never do any of these things, but even with every day regular folks my mind automatically assumes I am inconveniencing them by asking them a question or approaching them, so I’m sure the feeling would only intensify by a MILLION if it was someone I truly admired. That being said, one time I met Fergie (Fergie Ferg, y’all) and ended up telling her that my sister really loved her on Kids Incorporated. Not that Fergie is a personal idol of mine, but really? Of all the things I could have said? In retrospect I could have told her to warn Josh Duhamel that “Vegas” wasn’t going to be very successful, but oh well.
7. People sitting next to me even though are several empty seats available in whatever venue/means of transportation we are in.
This one drives me nuts. Maybe it’s tapping into that always fun social anxiety that follows me around like a not cute Peter Pan shadow, but I really can’t ever get comfortable once it happens, but given what I said above, this kind of makes me hypocrite if the roles were reversed! However, if there are plenty of empty seats available, and it isn’t a situation where you paid for a seat, WHY are you right next to me? I promise you I am not going to engage in conversation, and if you do so with me, I am not going to enjoy it. I am an inherently a grumpy old man by nature, and the rest of the world are 10 year olds who accidentally threw their baseball into my yard. Same rules apply for when I’m eating. I think alone time should be valued and respected. *High fives no one*
6. Being trapped in a room with a lion or tiger.
I’ll be the first to say, this is a situation that is likely to never happen (unless I worked for a zoo, or was hanging out with Mike Tyson), but I really do think about this, and what’s embarrassing is that on numerous occasions I have actually googled what to do if I encountered any of these animals. Heads up, you really can’t do anything but accept your fate and let the cat feast upon your bones. If any of you have seen Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys, then you might know where I am coming from (spoiler alert: Kieran Culkin is an IDIOT), but this will always stress me out.
5. People asking me what I want to do with my life.
I DON’T KNOW GO AWAY
4. Having to walk in heels
I am so bad at this that it has turned into an actual fear. While I love getting dressed up, I loathe any situation that may require me to wear heels. Maybe I’ve just been wearing crappy shoes (I’m lookin’ at you, Forever21), but once I have heels on, I immediately possess the grace of a newborn horse. My ankles and knees immediately go in opposite directions, my flat feet attempt to spill over the sides of shoes, and my toes fall numb. I may have just described what Jason Segel would look like in heels, but it is what I feel like. If I ever get married I’ll probably just wear Air Jordans under my dress, and if I have to go a formal event I’ll tell everyone I fell off a ladder (I’ll commit to a better story if the situation actually arises) and wear a boot. The last time I wore heels was to a nice dinner with Jake and it was painfully obvious to both him and the entire restaurant staff that I shouldn’t be doing this. Sandals and flats for life.
3. Going to a rave.
Please see fear #7.
2. Large birds
I can’t really elaborate on this other than that if you want to introduce me to your parrot, I’m going to introduce myself to your nearest window or door and GTFO of there.
This has been a life long fear of mine and something I really do think about often. While I have never encountered an unwanted guest in my home (although one time my sister was handing out candy on Halloween and left for brief moment to the back of the house and returned to find a small family in our living room) I am constantly thinking of ways I could escape or outsmart the villain. So far I’ve come up with being really sarcastic, bordering on rude really, in an attempt to thwart the high the intruder is getting from attempt to rob me of my possessions, or just straight up murder me. Example: “Oh okay, I guess I can get out of bed and go get my wallet, I only get robbed every other month by Sallie Mae, so this is nothing new.” or maybe psychoanalyze him and ask what led him to this point in his life. Maybe we can just get down to brass tacks and resolve the issue right then and there. Most likely though I’d probably soil myself and yell a string of incoherent obscenities. I’d like to think my dog would save me, but it is painfully obvious that she only prefers my mom and I feel like 100% of her efforts would go towards saving her. My dad wears a snore machine at night so he probably wouldn’t even hear it, and even if he did wake up, his reaction time is going to be slowed down by dismantling the Darth Vader contraption on his face. Ugh, this is not panning out well for me, guys.